Elsali Insites
Perhaps one of the biggest difficulties with pregnancy loss is that it is unlike any other loss experienced. Sometimes the only people who know about the pregnancy, other than parents, are very close family members. How does the family experience a loss like this? Unfortunately, well intentioned people can say or do some very unhelpful things at this time. If you know someone who is going through or has gone through this experience, then understanding what’s happening for this family can be difficult. Here is a bit of insight so you can feel more informed and perhaps more helpful.
Unseen Grief: The Impact of Pregnancy Loss on the Whole Family
Pregnancy loss is a particularly difficult type of grief for so many reasons. Those who have never experienced this kind of grief can sometimes find it difficult to understand. For those who experience this type of loss it feels as real, as intense and as deeply upsetting as any other loss of a close family member. There are memories, lost dreams and future plans that are difficult to cope with. Then there is an added realisation of experiencing the reality of this soul and yet never being able to meet them, to know who they are, what they like, or how they love.
Pregnancy loss can cause intense grief and emotional distress for all members of the family, regardless of their age or relationship to the pregnancy. The loss can bring feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and despair that may persist long after the pregnancy loss occurred. Parents have unhelpful phrases thrown at them, such as ‘This happens in 1 in 3 pregnancies’ or ‘it wasn’t meant to be’ or even ‘don’t worry you will have another’. These phrases from well intended friends or family do nothing to help them feel any better about their loss. It may be more validating for the family and others to think of it as the death of their baby, rather than the loss of a pregnancy.
The grief of losing a pregnancy can significantly disrupt the family dynamic. Siblings may feel left out, ignored or helpless whilst parents are grieving, and even grandparents can struggle to find their role in supporting their children and grandchildren. Parents may experience changes in their relationship or their roles as caregivers. It is incredibly difficult to look after others when you are struggling with grief.
Impact on Parents
Mothers may be struggling to make sense of the loss. Losing a sense of self, a sense of control over her body, a feeling that her body has let her down, or feeling that she could have done something differently to change the outcome. Revisiting this experience each time she changes her clothes, sees someone who asks about the pregnancy or has a period again. Feeling like she has let the whole family down in someway and that nobody around her quite understands what she is going through.
Fathers may be struggling to make sense of the loss. Wondering if this is somehow his fault or if he could have done something differently. Trying to work out how to be there for his partner, and how to support her through this. Minimising his own feelings or feeling selfish for grieving.
For example, your therapist can help you look at unwanted thoughts that may be making the grieving process more difficult, and help you think about ways to create a space for the memory of your baby. You can book an assessment with us or contact one of the helpful support services below.
Pregnancy loss can also bring heavy financial impact whether or not parents were seeking fertility treatment and support. For example, there will likely be some time off work to process the most difficult stages of grief. There will be changes to future plans and hesitancy about trying to conceive again. It can be lonely and isolating for all involved.
Impact on Children
Children are often less talked about regarding pregnancy loss, but for many families there will be siblings who were looking forward to meeting a new member of the family. It can be difficult to explain the situation to small children especially when struggling to process it yourself.
Children are very perceptive and tuned into their emotional environment. They pick up on “vibes”, even if you are careful to keep things from them. So when parents feel ready, they will probably want to talk to children about what’s happened.
6 ways to help parents grieving pregnancy loss
Listen and validate their feelings:
Believe it or not, some people are still made to feel like their grief is not valid after a pregnancy loss. No matter how long they were pregnant, whether they knew about the pregnancy or didn’t know until the loss, it is all 100% valid. It’s essential to let the couple or parent express their emotions, fears, and concerns without judgment. Let them know that it’s okay to grieve and that you are there to support them. All their feelings are completely valid. This is a chance for you to understand their loss from their perspective.
2. Offer practical support:
This is especially helpful if you are close to the family. Offer to help with tasks such as cooking, cleaning, running errands, or taking care of their children or pets. These are not small gestures, and they can make a big difference in alleviating some of their stress. Having even one less thing to do right now would probably be greatly appreciated.
3. Check-in regularly:
Keep in touch with them regularly, even if it’s just a quick text or phone call to let them know you’re thinking of them. Let them know that you’re available to talk if they need someone to listen. This can be a very isolating experience. Sometimes friends or family feel like they are getting in the way or that they should give parents space. Even if you don’t know what to say, you should let your presence be known.
4. For very close family and friends: I will share something that therapists don’t usually share!
One of the most helpful things for me after my pregnancy loss, was that my mother offered to share our sad news for us. Not having to make those phone calls was exactly what we needed. I couldn’t imagine having to repeat that over and over and I know my mum found it very difficult, but at that time, it would have been soul destroying for me. If you are a close family member or very close friend, then you could offer to take the weight of sharing the sad news. This one can be tricky so its best not to offer if you are not very close to the family.
5. Respect their privacy:
It’s so important to respect the person’s privacy and not share their news with others unless they give you clear permission. Everyone processes grief differently, and some may not feel comfortable discussing it with others. Even if you have permission, make sure you are clear on what they are comfortable sharing and with who. They might not want to bump into someone they haven’t seen for years and be asked about this very private experience. Or worse, have someone they barely know contact them on social media to ask about how they are.
6. Offer resources:
You can suggest support groups, therapists, or other resources that may be helpful for them during their grieving process. But remember that it’s ultimately their decision on whether or not they want to seek additional support.
Remember that everyone’s experience with pregnancy loss is unique, and there is no “right” way to handle it. Your support and empathy can make a significant impact on their healing journey.
Helpful resources
You can suggest helpful resources for the family. There are some very good books and resources that help parents to explain pregnancy loss to children. For example our featured image has two such books, ‘We had to say goodbye before we even met…’ by Irene Teague and ‘Something happened…’ by Cathy Blanford.
Other helpful resources include:
This organisation has lots of helpful support and advice online, support groups, and a support line. They also offer advice on how to help someone who has experienced pregnancy loss.
This organisation offers support to anyone affected by the death of a baby, before, during or after birth. They have some incredibly helpful tools for families including siblings, as well as online meeting spaces for bereaved families.
In Conclusion
Pregnancy loss is a unique grieving experience that is just as heart breaking as any other. It affects whole families, not just parents. It is important to remember that sometimes younger family members can really struggle with this experience also. If you want to be helpful, the best thing you can do is listen without judgement, validate parental grief and ask how you can be helpful to the family.
If you know someone who is experiencing pregnancy loss, then I am very sorry that this happened to your loved one. This topic is particularly close to my heart for many reasons and I do hope that you have found this information useful.
Be kind to yourself, and others.
Elsali CBT
I am Sandra Brown
I am a BABCP Accredited Cognitive Behavioural Therapist with 7 years of experience helping others to overcome their common mental health concerns. My main goal is to teach you how to become your own therapist, so that you can live the life you want to. But enough about me, come and tell me about you.
